Unbeating Heart
by Gemsir
Summary: No-one had been here since Loki fell. Not even mother. Thor was the first to take a look at this place. It felt like looking at a heart and waiting for it to beat. - Set post-Thor.


**A/N:** First of all, be warned: I'm not a native speaker, so there will be mistakes. I'm sorry for that. :)  
I don't own any Marvel-Characters, I just borrow them.  
This story is post-Thor and pre-Avengers.  
Could work as a maybe-prequel to SoG, but could be a stand-alone as well. Your choice.

If you feel like telling me how you liked it, feel free. I love feedback. :)  
I hope you enjoy this.

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* * *

**Unbeating Heart**

**ooOoo**

The rooms of his brother.

Thor had never entered them alone before.

Just one time Loki had to tell him that he didn't wish _anyone_ to get access to his private rooms. Thor respected that.

Until today.

Loki was gone for months now.

The last time Thor had seen him, he fell into the abyss below the now broken bifrost.

Escorted by his own tears.

.

Every single day he asked Heimdall.

Every single day he got the same depressing answer.

Every single day he waited for a sign that his beloved little brother was alive.

And every time all he could do was hope for another day.

.

For minutes now he held the handle in his hand and debated with himself.

Should he really break his promise and open the door?

Would he?

He'd stood here countless times before.

And he knew he would come here again and again until he'd finally cross that threshold. Cross that line.

.

But it wasn't the handle itself that stopped him. Maybe not even the promise he was about to break. It was a realization he was not sure he was ready for.

As long as he'd only picture those empty chambers in his mind, he could pretend it was not real. He could picture his brother sit on his bed behind those doors and how he'd laugh at him for falling for his jest.

God of Trickery.

But there was no joke.

No punch line.

.

He opened the door.

It was the familiar sight he'd missed for so long now. Everything was in it's place. It even smelled like it always had. Of tales from another world.

„_Take off your shoes!"_ were the words he'd heard more often than not. Because he always forgot. He knew he wouldn't have to take them off _now_, but he did it nonetheless. Out of respect.

.

No-one had been here since Loki fell. Not even mother.

Thor was the first to take a look at this place. It felt like looking at a heart and waiting for it to beat. Just one more time.

But it stayed still.

.

He needed to be sure. So his feet carried him over the wooden floor.

An intarsia, covering the whole ground, except for the round fireplace in the centre. It showed a huge and detailed garden full of animals of all kind. How much Thor loved to look at it back then. But now it hurt.

His feet dragged him to the door that led to the bedroom. He felt like an intruder. For a moment he listened closely, but nothing but his breath filled the room. So he opened the door slowly.

The dark shaded colors of the room greeted him like an old friend.

His gaze fell on the large bed. The covers were slightly pulled aside, as if Loki'd just gotten up.

If he'd slept at all after he got to know about his ancestry? Thor knew his brother was easily troubled and tended to work his mind over problems again and again and forgot to rest completely.

Even as a child he had been like this. Back in times when they still shared a room, Thor had to climb into Loki's bed numerous times and calm his little brother down. His trickster-side showed early and got him into trouble way too often. And he got punished for the mischief he had done. After that the black-haired boy usually restlessly shifted in his bed. Thor remembered that one night, when Loki wouldn't calm down at all.

.

"_Tell me what I am supposed to do with you now," young Thor said to his brother. Loki, barely old enough to learn to write, was curled up to a ball and unsuccessfully tried to suppress his crying. The blond god sat next to the small shaking form, soothingly running his hand over the raven locks for long minutes. He didn't know what had happened. It didn't matter._

"_Come with me!" he suddenly said with a smile and took his brother's hand in his. They went outside on the balcony and crouched against the wall. Thor put his arm around his brother's shoulders and Loki leaned his head against his brother's chest in return._

"_Let's give each star a name," Thor suggested in a somewhat cheerful manner, hoping he could distract Loki that way. He lifted his free arm and pointed at a random star above._

"_Njáll."_

_It seemed like Loki needed some time to adjust to the situation. But then, slowly, he raised his thin arm and pointed at another star, whispering "Þórir."_

"_Önundr."_

"_Eyvindr."_

"_Atli."_

_..._

_They went on like this for a long time until Loki finally fell asleep._

_Thor held him tightly at his side and closed his eyes as well._

_._

It was many many years later that Frigga told him she'd heard them through her window that night and how proud she felt of her sons that moment. The appreciation of their mother was so easy to get. Not so their father's.

.

Thor's eyes wandered to the enormous wooden wardrobes. Loki was quite self-willed when it came to his clothing. Since the moment he could put on his complicated garments by magic he dismissed the servants.

They were so different from each other when it came to this. He himself loved those hands on him, putting the rich clothing on his shoulders or arms, pulling at the laces and closing the fastenings. It made him feel special and it was a pleasing ceremony before the festivity that usually followed.

There was another difference between them.

Actually there were a lot of them.

Loki loved the celebrations as much as he did, but Thor remembered Loki complaining about being presented to the people as if they were some kind of showpiece. Some lifeless thing everyone could stare at.

Thor didn't mind. The people loved him.

But he was well aware that people talked behind Loki's back.

He didn't know why he never cared about that as much as he should.

.

"_What are you doing there!" Thor asked in bewilderment, watching his brother dress in a dark gray tunic, "Put on your garment already, we are already late!"_

"_No, brother, _you_ are late," Loki answered and closed the wardrobe behind his back. They had grown to their father's height. Half children, half men._

_Loki bound a small leather bag on his belt and started to walk to the door._

"_What do you mean by that? You have to come with me! They are waiting for us!" the blond youth replied with raising anger in his voice._

_Without stopping in his tracks Loki answered him firmly: "Do not think I would not notice how they look at me. And I am sick of this!"_

"_It is not like you are completely uninvolved in that, Loki. You provoke them with your tricks and they start to fear you," Thor shot back._

"_One more reason for me to stay out of their way then," Loki replied and left his quarters._

"_Where are you going?" Thor called after him._

"_To the forest," Loki answered._

"_What am I supposed to say to father?"_

"_That I do what everyone expects me to do. Disappoint."_

_._

Father shouted at his little brother for half an hour after that evening. Loki never defied him again. At least not that way.

.

Thor left the bedroom.

There was only his brother's private library left. The last spark of hope betrayed his already knowing heart.

But sometimes you have to _see_ to _believe_.

.

The door to the library screeched long and ear-splitting. Loki hadn't wanted that to be fixed. Thor could only guess, why.

The library was as dead as the rest of Loki's quarters.

He'd always wondered about the contrast in this round room. While the books and scrolls were stored so neatly in the shelves, the round table in the middle of the room was completely covered with opened books, parchments, scrolls, a few random items and Loki's favorite quill.

.

_They had been out for the evening._

_Sif, The Warriors Three, Loki and Thor._

_Fandrall had been pestering them for weeks now, so they decided to visit the tavern he'd grown so fond of out of a sudden. And it was a nice place to be indeed._

_Thor had noticed that Loki seemed to observe an old men in a corner of the taproom, who calmly wrote something in a book. His brother's eyes were fixed on that man. Even when asked a question he pulled his gaze away for only a second or two._

_Thor didn't remember much of that evening. At a certain moment the mead erased his memory._

_But there were two things he still knew today._

_The first was that he had recognized then for the first time that his little brother was still growing no facial hair while he himself was wearing his new small beard with all the pride a man could have._

_The second thing he remembered was, that after two hours of Loki's staring the old man gestured to his brother to come over to him. Not in an eye-catching way. Only with a small, almost unrecognizable wave with the left hand. If he hadn't followed his brother's gaze that moment he wouldn't have noticed at all. Loki hesitated for a moment before he left their table and walked over._

_Thor couldn't see what exactly happened next, because Loki stood before the old man, blocking his view. From the small movements of Loki's back and head he concluded that they had a talk over there._

_Half an hour later the young trickster returned – with the quill the man had used before. Loki wore a warm smile on his face and held the feather in his hands like it was the most valuable treasure on Asgard. Thor asked him what this was all about, but Loki just answered him with a smile, promising him he would tell him another day._

_._

He never asked again.

He wanted to know who that old man had been, what they had spoken about, but somehow there had always been something more important.

.

Back then they'd lived in another fortress. Not the golden halls they inhabited now.

Their old home was smaller. A lot smaller.

The walls were made of stones and the floors out of wood. Great artwork, there was no doubt about that, but now everything was made out of gold and marble.

Not so Loki's quarters. As much as possible was covered with wood or hidden behind wooden furniture or drapes. Quite a risky combination with the God of Fire, but no-one complained. To Thor it always seemed like Loki had a problem to accept this halls as his home. Something had changed since they had moved in here, but Loki evaded his questions every time.

.

He walked around the table, taking in the sight of paper over paper over paper. A few texts related to magic, other's told tales of Asgard or other realms. Only a few of them were written in his brother's delicate handwriting.

He turned to the shelves, letting his eyes wander through a few of the many many categories. Had Loki really read all of these books? There was at least one bookmark stuck between the pages of almost every book. That probably answered his question.

His gaze fell on a certain very fat tome. "Shapeshifting" the spine read in golden letters on the leather binding. A thin dark-gray braid of long hair was pressed between the pages and hung down the shelf a few inches. It took him a moment to realize where he knew that hair from.

It was a strand of Sleipnir's mane.

The mysterious horse that had changed his brother forever.

.

_He had been in the east, slaying giants all winter long. The day before Beltane the other gods called out for him and he hurried back to Asgard. What he found there was a new golden fortress that seemed to touch the sky, and a giant who threatened his family and friends. He wielded his hammer and sent the giant down to Niflheimr._

_After that was done, he made sure no-one was harmed or, even worse, dead. To his delight everyone was alright. But he'd missed a familiar face._

"_Where is Loki?" he asked his father._

"_The council sent him out to make amends for his mistake," Odin answered._

"_What kind of mistake?" Thor voiced the cautious question._

"_It was his suggestion to promise the builder of our golden halls the sun, the moon and Freja, should he finish his work during one winter. We had vowed oaths! And the builder almost succeeded!" his father explained._

"_So what has Loki done to prevent this?"_

"_No-one knows. Three days ago we discussed what to do. Two days ago Loki was gone. Then a mare lured away the builder's stallion, forcing both to run into the forest. I assume Loki sent the mare. In the end the builder could not finish his work and out of rage showed his true face."_

"_The giant I fought?" Thor asked. Odin nodded._

"_And my brother did not return?" he wanted to know._

"_No," the Allfather answered._

_._

_Many month later Loki returned to the court._

_But not alone. A gray eight-legged foal was at his side. But it was not the anatomical odd horse that draw Thor's attention. It was the look on Loki's face. It seemed his brother had aged a lot. And something in his eyes had died._

_Rumors circulated, that Loki had given birth to that horse, but they were traded from mouth to mouth on the quiet._

_It took Thor days to ask Loki what had happened. Too different did his brother seem to be now._

"_Something everyone makes me feel I deserved," Loki answered. _

.

Loki endured the gossip and whispering with all the dignity he could muster.

Later the rumors became certainty.

But what might have happened between Svaðilfari and his brother, or with his brother and Sleipnir, was something, Thor couldn't let close to his heart or his conscious mind.

.

There had been numerous nights Loki had sneaked away to sleep in the mews. He'd found him curled up in a haystack in Sleipnir's stable a few times, the stallion lying next to him. Each time at least a hand was connected with the strange horse.

If Sleipnir knew Loki was gone now?

.

Thor left the library with an uneasy feeling and closed the screeching door again.

Back in the main chamber he let his eyes travel over the intarsia again.

They had sat on furs close to the fire so many times, that Thor knew every little detail of the inlay work. One evening he'd asked Loki why there was neither a snake nor a wolf among the variety of animals.

.

_It took so many hands to hold Loki in check. He struggled against the grips and tried to burn the ropes that finally bound him._

"_HOW DARE YOU!" he heard his little brother yell through the halls. His desperate cries filled the fortress and echoed through the corridors long after Loki had lost his voice and consciousness out of exhaustion._

_Long after his two monster children were thrown into another realm, forever out of reach._

_._

"Do you not know the answer?" Loki replied back then and took a wistful look out of the door-sized window that led to the balcony.

.

Thor walked over to the open window now himself. One had a beautiful view over the rich garden from here. It was a place Loki loved to be. He spent hours, sometimes even days to sit down there somewhere and, most of the time, read.

On other days, when rain poured out of the clouds, Thor found Loki standing somewhere in the less accessible parts of the park with his head thrown back in his neck.

.

_The first time he'd caught him do this, he was about to drag him inside and get him into some dry clothes._

_But then his little brother turned his head to him and looked him in the eyes._

_Thor realized then that Loki let the rain wash away his tears._

_It hit him hard that he hadn't seen his brother cry for years. Or laugh from the bottom of his heart. It was like Loki hid himself from the eyes of the world._

_So whenever he saw him stay out in the rain again, he watched him from the distance and made sure no-one disturbed his little brother._

_._

He went back inside, feeling like crying himself.

He had certainty now.

There was no life in these rooms anymore.

And this discovery ripped something out of his own heart, too.

.

On his way to the door he caught a glimpse of something he knew from somewhere far back in the past. He walked closer to the shelf in question and reached up to pull the item out from under a velvet cloth.

It was a delicate silver chain with a walnut-sized sphere attached to it. Countless lines covered the silver globe.

This was the first present he ever gave to Loki. That he had kept it for all those years ...

They were young children back then. It was before the day they gave names to the stars.

He knew how fascinated Loki had been from everything connected with magic. There had always been such a wide smile on his face and he loved to watch the same trick again and again.

So when he saw that chain on the counter of a sutler, he all but begged his father to get it for him.

.

"_Close your eyes, little brother!" he commanded with a broad smile._

_They sat across from each other on Thor's large bed._

"_Why?" the black haired boy asked with a grin._

"_Just do it!"_

_Lids slid shut over green eyes._

_Thor reached out and pulled one of Loki's hands to the front and put the chain carefully into it._

"_Now look!" he said cheerfully._

_His little brother felt the item with his fingers for a moment, before he opened his eyes._

"_It's a present!" Thor smiled._

"_For me?"_

"_Yes!"_

_Before he had any chance to explain what it was exactly, Loki flung himself forward and hugged Thor as tight as he could._

_._

So much pure joy back then. So much untamed love.

.

"_It is a puzzle! Look!" Thor explained and followed a certain line on the sphere with his finger. With a small click it shot open and a whole bunch of silver curved rings twisted around each other, moved by magic. In the core a small light shone like a miniature star._

_The star reflected itself in Loki's admiring eyes._

"_You have to hold the rings back in place to close the sphere again," Thor told him._

_Hesitating at first, Loki soon moved his fingers quickly and dexterous. He made a wrong move and the sphere shot open again. The boys exchanged surprised looks and then fell into a joyful fit of laughter. Then Loki tried again. And again. And then handed it to Thor who wanted to give it a shot._

_None of them succeeded that night and so they hung it on the candelabra and the small star glowed through the night._

_._

Loki tried again to close the sphere year after year after year.

Thor once told him that he was sorry he'd given him something so annoying.

Loki answered that he loved it and wouldn't trade it in for anything else.

The first night Thor visited Loki after the Sleipnir-incident, he found the sphere closed for the first time.

He never saw the star again.

_._

He held the sphere in his hand, the chain dangling down.

It felt like he just realized that very moment how much his brother had changed.

How hollow he'd become. How much he had retreated inside his shell.

How much he'd distracted everyone with his facade and kept them from taking a closer look.

In the end no-one except the trickster himself knew who he really was.

And after he found out about the lie – that he belonged to the very same race he had been told was the most horrible among all beings in all the nine realms – even Loki didn't know who he was anymore.

Thor had forgiven him everything the moment Loki let go and fell.

.

He had his hand on the handle again, almost leaving the room.

His eyes fell on the sphere in his hand. He wanted to take it with him, as a keepsake.

But it felt awfully wrong to take anything away from here. So he turned around again and walked over to the open window leading to the balcony and hung the chain on the rod that carried the drapes.

Then he run a finger over that certain line and opened the sphere for the second time in his life. The small star appeared in the centre again and shone his tiny light into the open sky.

He watched the silver rings move around and inside each other for a while.

Then he left his brother's rooms and closed the door as if he closed a grave.

.

* * *

end


End file.
